Giving In.

It’s one of the easiest thing to do… Giving up. And sadly, we all fall victim to it, whether we’d like to admit it or not.

We lock the door. Close the book. Switch off, scrunch it up and throw it all away. The great opportunity, the life long dream, the fleeting wish, the short term goal – dismissed; sometimes in haste, but more often than not, after hours, if not days, of deep and exhausting procrastination. In any case,what was once the possiblity or potential for something great, is now a forbidden thought left discarded, together with every other opportunity that was once bid farewell.

What’s worse is that in almost every instance of succumbing to the “can’t”, stands only ourselves in the way of our success. Our own worse critics, we fail to be our own cheersquad, standing at sideline intervals with Gatorade cups screaming “don’t you dare give up on me now!” I know this feeling all too well because I’m a “giver-upper” by nature, always standing in my own way,offering a poor excuse and complimentry tissue for my premature departure from the race.

The fad diet, the savings goals, the career change, the guard dog (long story), the half marathon, the study aspirations – all given in, all thrown away. Not because I couldn’t, but because I said “I can’t”.

But today I felt it coming, stronger than ever before; that wicked niggle, that hot-headed frustration, that dark cloud of doubt. Possibly because I was suffering from a sugar-detox rage, more than likely not – all I know is that it crept up and went for the one thing I’ve been fighting against for as long as I can remember. The one thing that I have vowed to never again give up on, not matter what hurdles may come my way… My words, my thoughts and my great desire to string them together into something that I would be proud to have you read..

I opened a blank page, but there it was – doubt. Poisious thoughts swirled around and around, gently dancing in my head at first, but as the day progressed an abrupt tap, tap, tap started to stomp my train of thought, and every attempt to believe in the words before me diminished without an encore.

How could continue to write if I had nothing good to say? How could I share wisdom if I were not wise myself? How could finish what I started, if I never had anything decent to begin with anyway? Truth be told, I have more than enough beginnings up my sleeve – 133 half written musings waiting patiently in my DRAFT’s file for an opportunity to be polished… But not one was quite satisfactory enough to capture today’s desire to write and the undeniable dream to have my words read; to proove my courage to persue and succeed. The words that I had just couldn’t seem to overpower that cloud of doubt egging me on to do the one thing I’ve promised myself I would not dare do again…

And so, I chose to fight that feeling, that horrible, disgusting feeling, with it’s very own self… What better way to fight a battle, than to use the enemy’s ammunition against itself.. And so here it is, these very words…I’m not giving in.

Liss Actually x

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