Amatuer Internet Dater – Part 4.

As most of you will know, I’m in the throes of finalising my very first internet dating profile, in the grand hope of stumbling upon my true love (Gavin).

It’s been a rather long winded and eye-opening experience thus far. I’ve paid the budget allowed $3.95 3 Month Subscription; was honest with my age and patootie size; I even attempted to complete the ghastly, over-the-top questionnaire of 500 ridiculously unimportant multi choices about burger, bed and (probably, but I didn’t get that far) banana preferences! However, after all that hard work, it would appear that I’m still not quite ready to be acquainted with any potential Gav’s.

You see, the lovely providers of my chosen “matching service”, have ever so politely advised that I have missed a highly vital component of my profile…


Crazily, and I’m sure I’m not alone, I’ve been so caught up in the “idea” of Gavin that I’ve failed to really truly think about who I would want him to be. What would make me fall head over heels in love, and inevitably choose to continue love him for the rest of my life…?

Obviously a heartbeat and physical presence is a very grand start – I mean sure, what girl doesn’t want Channing Tatum’s body draping itself across her bed whilst discussing handsomely, in a “Capt. Jack Sparrow” accent, whether or not we should attend Beyonce and Jay’s housewarming on the weekend – but if I’m really truly serious in my quest for love, which I honestly am, then the “idea” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

I needed to sit down and collect my thoughts, and be absolutely wholeheartedly honest about who I was searching for…

Luckily, the less than glamorous, “dress rehearsals” have certainly left me with inexplicable clarity as to who I don’t want him to be (narcissistic bogan), and my own personal journey since has left me with a greater appreciation for my unique self, financial stability, domestic abilities (thongs and hairspray are a woman’s greatest weapon in the war against an eight-legged beast) and overall confidence in my ability to survive life in the single lane.

But what I failed to think about was how would he make me feel? How would his words affect my soul? Would I, yet weak at the knees, find a greater sense of strength in his presence? Would I so easily be able let my guard down? Would I be able to give my whole true self to him, without fear, anxiety or withdrawal? So very many questions swirled around and it became quite overwhelming, but I had to figure it out if I was wanting to get any closer to finding him, even if it were only one small step forward. And so, I sat down, and asked myself…

Who the hell is Gavin?

1. He’s honest. Sure he has is secrets pertaining to how many packets of Salt & Vinnie’s he smashed on the drive home from work, and certainly when it comes to the “bro code” he keeps Davo’s late night “antics” to himself – but when his feelings, actions and thoughts are under question – he’s honest.

2. He’s respectful, compassionate and sympathetic – not only towards others, but also himself. He’ll listen to what other’s have to say and instead of responding with turd-faced arrogence he’ll make a genuine effort to understand their point of view.

He wont be afraid of age, race, religious or political differences, and certainly wouldn’t dimiss anyone until he knew them personally.

3. He has a Sense of Fun & Incredible Humour. He’ll laugh at himself and find humour in his own misfortunes, be it losing a bet or accidentally denting the bosses new ute. He understands what truly matters in life and how to take certain situations with a grain of salt.

He’ll concur with me that laughter is the best medicine, and will appreciate my terrible jokes, wobbly-bummed nudie runs and find the snorts that come when I laugh too hard incredibly adorable 🙂

4) He’s Physically & Mentally Strong – however, big muscles in saggy singlets need not apply (sorry, but exposed hairy armpits are just not my thing). He’s capable of mowing the lawn, changing a tire and driving a manual car. His hands are happily dirty and by far his greatest tool. He’s determined to solve a problem – plotting, planning and observing all angles until he finds a way.

5) Above all he’s supportive, loving and kind. He’ll encourage me to grow, succeed and try; and when I am at my lowest point in life or just having a bad day, I will know that I can look into his eyes and find strength & hope, and know that I’m not alone.

Gavin will appreciate my flaws, failures and faults; my crazy mind, my ridiculous ideas, my car park rage, my off key harmony. My days when I am moody, bloated and erratic, and those when I am sensitive, dreamy and hopeful… And that is what he will love…Me, all of me – just as I am.  And in return, I will love him for that very same reason.

Does he exist? …Who knows… But, I’m maintaining much faith that he does!

Liss Actually x

Amateur Internet Dater – Part 3.

So, I treated myself to a well deserved break, and a mandatory KitKat (of the chunky variety), after the marathon effort that was phase one of the beast that is my cyber dating profile… And I must admit, upon reflection and recently advised success stories, I’m starting to feel all giddy (possibly sugar related) with excitement at the prospect of being one step (more like 239 if you count all those bastard multiple choice questions I answered) closer to meeting my Prince Charming. Or, as I like to refer to him, Gavin.

That said, and giddiness aside, one must continue to be an active participant in this hell bent love quest if she wishes to capture Gav’s heart before they are both pace maker reliant… It’s time to get back “on the line”!

Now, I’m not all too sure whether it was my eagerness to get the party started or not, but my I attempt’s (there were 5) at the login process didn’t go all to plan…. Damn it! I’ve forgotten my password already! It’s only been a few days – typical though, I knew I should have just gone with my initial choice of trunk0junk but, oh no, I had to be all classy and mature that day didn’t I? Oh well, lesson learnt.


Right, let’s do this…..

 YOUR PROFILE NEEDS A LITTLE WORK… Looks like you missed something, how about adding a little more detail to your profile so we can find your perfect match sooner… 

Seriously? MORE work?…

When can I just set this love boat of a profile off sailing in the ocean of flirtatious winks and cheesy pick up lines? I mean honestly, I’m already oiled up ready to linger with an aire of mystery by the pool. And yes, alright, I could have packed a sarong or maybe a nice kaftan to keep “the pudding’s of Christmas past” to myself… But honestly, what on earth could be that bad that I’m still not allowed to mingle with the other passengers?

On closer inspection though, it would appear that these “love guru’s” had a valid point. Yes, I was all coco-buttered up, pina-colada in hand, but had all too conveniently missed the most crucial point of it all. The very point of this whole process. The very reason I stepped out of my comfort zone and squeezed into a hot pink two piece swim suit (so-to-speak); and I’m not a naturally tanned person mind you. Without those final few elements – my life rafts – my maiden voyage was going to be anything but grand. Basically, the way it stood, I was rooming with Leo on the Titanic.


Who the hell is Gavin?

Who the hell is Gavin?

I guess I have some serious thinking to do….

Liss Actually x

Amateur Internet Dater – Part 2.

So, since coming to the conclusion that I’ve gotta pull up my “big girl panties” and become a willing participant in the search for my true love (Gavin), I’ve done some serious research. Or should I say, I’ve been street walking the dark alley ways of the internet dating (site) world; and let me tell you, I’m not all too sure I’d want to risk these killer heels and wicked blow wave I’ve got going on, if you know what I’m saying? Thanks, for the eye watering preview of what you’ve got on offer, or should I say lack thereof (shout out to “bigwang4U” and “rUTErus69”), but I think I’ll try to keep it a little more classy for now.

It were as though the dating gods were watching over me though; and they knew that I a) needed a little persuasion to follow through with this crazy experiment, and b) that am a total tightarse when it comes to purchasing anything over the internet that doesn’t come delivered, smelling like heaven or promising to flatter in all the right places; because in a strike of luck whilst perusing the “success stories” of a rather well known and sufficiently wholesome matchmaking service (by the way, Congrats Andrew & Linda – two years and still going strong!), an appealingly cheap “New Subscribers” offer flashed up on my screen brighter than fire works on New Years Eve… That’s right my friends, 3 months subscription for $3.95… BOOM! SOLD! SIGN ME UP!

And all so simply (thanks paypal) I became an official member of the “internet daters” society (I’m still waiting on my members badge to pin on my cardy though).

Minutes later, a slight shiver of excitement filled my veins as I clicked on my confirmation email, I eagerly awaited the smorgasbord of hunky,oiled up, thirty-something year old lion tamers, with profile pictures of one selves mowing their elderly neighbours lawn, to grace my overheating laptop screen. But, alas, it was not to be. I may not have had to shave my legs, put on a bra or brush my hair to get this far on my expedition to love, but I certainly wasn’t going to get to fly the flag of success without a little expenditure of effort.

“LET”S GET YOUR PROFILE STARTED” appeared in a rather cheery, yet condescending manner across my screen. You know, like the way you’d speak to your three year old whilst trying to sell him the idea of mushy peas for dinner? Yeah, just like that! Overly enthusiastic, incredibly animated and horribly forceful whilst trying to hide the reality of the unpleasantness ahead.

Still dreaming of five o’clock shadows and adorable dimples, I rashly picked the most unique and “incognito” profile name (Liss) I could think of, and away I went…

Age – 31
Height – 172cm
Physique – Average (with a slight post Christmas podge)
Marital Status – Single (the option of Spinster was surprisingly absent)
Education – Higher Tertiary
Occupation – Personal Assistant/Administration
Religious/Political views – N/A

… And so on, all pretty standard and worthy prerequisites for the process, which took no time (or unnecessary fabrication of the truth) at all. Huh! Maybe this whole profile thingy wasn’t going to be so terribly off-putting after all… Negatory!

Then came the multi-choice questionnaire – 500 of the bastards – non compulsory, but certainly “a fantastic way to get to know potential matches“…or so they said. I scrolled through a few, randomly clicking “no brainers”, when I stumbled upon, what I’d like to refer to the”fluffer questions”. Questions that obviously the trainee in HQ has come up with during her lunch break in hope of impressing her boss, after hearing of marketing’s great  idea of “fluffing out” the questionnaire number to 500 whilst they were sipping lattes in last months “creative meeting”. Seriously though, I would love it if someone could shed some light on how agreeing, or disagreeing, to the statement “The burgers are better at Hungry Jacks” is going to signify or cement any certainty that “Gary, who lives 250kms from you” is your true soul mate? Or by admitting that you’ve parked in a “Parents with Prams” carpark without even having a child means that any union with “Steve of Ormeau” is all but doomed! Really?

The hardest part of this whole process though, has been attempting to write appealingly witty blurbs about oneself, without sneaking in too much sarcasm or honest truth about my wild Saturday nights in front of a Flavourstone commercial with a glass of vino, all in the aim of enticing like-minded single spunkrats to click on the “communicate” button… Did I place enough emphasis on house proud, independent, love of music, without setting off the “OCD, control freak who sings like a screaming cat” alarm bells..? Should I have kept out the bit about “exercising regularly”, when really it’s only a short stroll to the letter box and maybe a mad dash on Friday’s when I forget to put the bins out..? Or, should I have elaborated a little more on my opinion that chocolate should never be refrigerated?”

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

Liss Actually x